Good dog

Things I should learn from my dog:

1. Say hello to everyone you see, everyday.
2. Go to sleep when you’re tired.
3. Only eat when you’re hungry unless you’re presented with bacon.
4. Make sure you get lots of cuddles.
5. It’s always fun to be outside.
6. Sleeping in your own bed is preferable.
7. Cleaning tools and supplies are scary and should be avoided.


Things my dog should learn from me:

1. Cats aren’t THAT exciting.
2. Don’t eat things you find on the ground.
3. If you get sick after eating something you find on the ground, don’t eat it again.
4. Whining gets you nowhere.
5. The Swiffer can’t hurt you. It doesn’t even make noise.
6. I don’t wipe my mouth on people after I eat. You also shouldn’t.
7. I will always come back.

Commands my dog knows:
1. Sit.
2. Lie down.
3. Show me your belly. (to get a belly rub)
4. So nice to meet you. (shake with right paw)
5. How about the other paw? (shake with left paw)
6. Where’s your tail? (wags tail)
7. Kisses.
8. Perch.
9. Wait.
10. Stay.
11. Come.
12. Release.
13. Up.
14. Do you want a treat?
15. Do you want to go for a ride?
16. Do you want to go out?
17. Do you want to go home? (okay, those are all questions she would never say “no” to)
18. Uuh, uuh, UUH!
19. No kitchen.
20. Finish your food.
21. Get in your bed.
22. Heel (that one’s not solid)

Commands my dog should understand:
1. Heel.
2. Roll over.
3. Stop sniffing everything on this walk.
4. Stop marking.
5. Poop now!
6. Shut up.
7. NO KITTY!
8. Clean up the water you just dribbled all over the floor.
9. I have to express your anal glands because you seem to be incapable of doing it yourself so if you just relax and stop fighting, the quicker this ninth-ring-of-hell-smell producing experience will be over. I dislike squeezing your asshole just as much you dislike having it done.
10. If you ever have explosive diarrhea inside again, you better you look pitiful and regretful.

Commands my dog should know, because as it is, my dog isn't useful enough:
1. Make me a cup of tea.
2. Brush your teeth.
3. Stop worrying about your figure, you skinny bitch.
4. Cry with me during girly movies and sappy commercials.
5. Rub my shoulders.
6. Stop shedding.
7. Call granmama and grandpa.
8. Get a job.
9. Take the car to get the oil changed.
10. Growl at the neighbor who didn’t ask if I was okay after I tripped and fell right in front of him.